If the World was Ending

I wish I had a different life.

I just wish life was easier.

Those thoughts have been scrolling through my mind the last week.

I want Rory here.

I want to feel complete.

I want to feel hope.

It takes a lot of effort to get out of that headspace for me. Daily effort. Sometimes multiple times during the day effort.

Yesterday I was listening to a song about if the world was ending.

It removed my mind from the wishful future to the present.

If the world was ending, what would I think about my life right now? What would I wish I was doing differently? Or more of? Who do I wish was here?

One of the side effects of Rory’s death was a change in priorities.

Things that seemed important, lost their importance.

Time was a precious commodity. I had no idea how precious and limited it was.

But I’m left today with a better balanced present. (Well, COVID-19 has left the balanced skewed.)

If the world was ending, I’m exactly where I’d want to be. With the people I want to be with.

The future is so uncertain. The things I planned for, hoped for, work toward, feel out of my grasp. Like reaching for a raft that keeps floating farther and farther away.

But today. Today! I’m going to make it a goal to enjoy being in the water with those I love before I look toward the raft again.

If the world was ending… What would you want in your life?

Choices and Decisions

That night. After Lance and I said goodbye to Rory in the ambulance. After we told and collected the boys from a neighbor’s house. We were in a car headed around the corner to my parent’s house.

Chiler was sitting next to me.

He said, “Mom, don’t check out. Don’t leave me.”

Those words stand guard to my choices and decisions.

Don’t check out.

Don’t leave.

Those two sentences told me a couple of things about my little 13 year old.

One, he understood the gravity of what had just happened.

Two, he was scared.

I can’t do anything about the first. Her death happened.

I can do something about the second, it’s in the choices and decisions I make daily.

I can’t change the past.

But I have power to affect the present and future.

I go through ranges of emotions every single day.

I’m angry!

This is unfair.

I hate my life.

Those statement enter my mind more times than I’d like to admit. But I get to decide how long they dwell.

Anger is potent and can easily take over. But I have guardians over my brain. I have words from a son that needs me.

I choose to stay with him. With them.

I choose hard talks, discussing the impossible.

I choose Easter baskets, to see the smile on their faces.

I choose vacations, to help them see the world.

I choose family dinners and movie nights.

I choose our new kind happiness over anger.

I won’t check out.

I won’t leave them.

No Big Decisions

They say not to make big decisions the first year after a tragedy. It could lead to emotional and sometimes non rational, bad choices.

In my everyday life, I run things by Lance all the time. Am I overreacting? I have a hard time trusting my feelings. And other times Lance asks to read emails before I send them. 😂

In terms of our life, I’d say that more things are different than are the same. We’ve had to keep adapting. We still have hurdles that are in our path and we have to decide how to handle them.

The problem with the no big decisions after a tragedy idea is that the event fundamentally changes you.

Rory’s passing changed my emotions.

It changed my family dynamic.

My thoughts.

My plans for the future.

And my plans for right now.

We just keeping crawling over the hurdles, these big decisions, we find in our path. Then fall down on the other side.

But we’re making it over them. I hope.

Big decision for the Moore Family this week: the boys are switching schools.