Memory- Fake Crying

The other day one of the boys shared a dream with me.

He said that he was sitting in our front room, watching something on TV.

Rory was there.

Her feet were up on his lap and they were laughing about something.

Then she started fake crying.

As he was telling me, I froze.

Rory used to fake cry!

I’d forgotten that!

She’s do it as a joke.

Like I said, she always kept on laughing and on our toes.

Oh man.

I’d love to hear that laugh again.

That silly fake laugh.

Where Would I Find Her Next?

I thought I’d share a memory from the more mischievous side of Rory. : )

Rory was quite the busy body. If I didn’t hear her for a few minutes, I knew something was up.

Whether she climbed up into the dryer or into the recycle bin, she always kept my life interesting and kept me laughing.

So much laughing with this girl!

Miss you.

Words that Stay with Me

I’ve had so many thoughts and feelings swirling around me this week with no energy to write them down.

My heart is so full when I think about Rory.

I love her so much.

I miss her equally.

I’ve been thinking about the notes she used to leave me.

On thank you cards.

On index cards.

In notebooks.

On hotel notepads.

It was always the same, in her perfectly messy handwriting.

Rory

💜

Mom

Rory doing what she did best, spreading love.

She wrote them so frequently that I threw them away for a long time.

A few months before she died, I got this feeling.

Start saving those notes.

How grateful I am for that inspiration!

They are some on my most precious possessions.

As my life is hard. As I struggle seeing positive. When the future feels bleak.

I have those words.

I know someone is always in my corner.

Rory

💜

Mom

My sweet angel baby girl.

Brain Problems

I’ve read articles where experts talk about the affects of grief on the brain. The idea that people in the depths of grief don’t have the same brain function as they did before.

There’s truth to that.

I can’t speak to the science. I have no idea. I can speak to my everyday brain.

I have always been a scheduled person. I want plan out days, weeks, months.

I was eager to plan holiday celebrations.

I loved planning vacations.

I was on time and kept my life and my family’s life in order.

Man, that’s not how my life runs anymore.

I have to calendar every event. If it’s not in my phone, I won’t remember it.

Planning activities feel so overwhelming. If it’s more than three steps then it’s too much for me. We’re winging way more than we used to.

The number of times I open my computer to look something up, or turn on my phone, or walk into another room and completely forget what I’m doing. It’s UNREAL! Things are gone from my brain in seconds! I mean, I did that occasionally before, but now, it’s off the charts.

Between Lance and I, we pull off vacations together, each taking a part. Even then, it’s not planned out like it once was.

One of the things I’ve noticed is that my brain is constantly trying to process grief. Every minute, it’s working through the trauma, the sadness, the missing, the strategies to get my family and me through this hard life.

This leaves a lot less brain power for the everyday.

When people say that grief affects every aspect of people’s lives, it’s true.

Down to everyday functioning.

Down to brain power.

Memory! When the Boys Are Away

In May Lance and the boys would go on a camp out with our church.

Rory and I didn’t waste time.

We got McDonalds.

We took it home and feasted.

Then we got in our pajamas.

Manicured and pedicured it up.

Played a game or two, usually Candyland.

Then laid back and enjoyed a movie. Her go to was always Tangled.

My heart.

In pictures.

I miss those nights.