November, December, and January are hard months to get through since Rory’s passing.
But last December was extra painful with the unexpected death of my brother-in-law, Saul.
I haven’t posted on my blog.
I have drafts but nothing published.
Here’s my problem: I want everything I write to end with hope.
Life is hard, but there’s still hope.
Emotions are high, but they won’t always be.
January feels never ending, but it will, in fact, end within ten days.
But I haven’t felt very hopeful.
I’ve felt empty.
On the flip side:
I haven’t felt alone.
I’ve had enough energy to accomplish everything I needed to and wanted to accomplish. Even when sleep evaded me.
And I’ve been inspired. I sent off a rewrite to my agent this month. I felt inspired daily on how to help my boys and on what I need to do.
These feelings contradict the ones I listed first. They seem incapable of coexisting.
But they have.
And that’s Grace.
That’s the hope I’ve been struggling to find.
As I do everything I can, Christ lifts, inspires, and carries me through the rest.
As I find my way through the myriad of emotions that resurfaced last month, He’s guiding me and giving me room to recover.
As I feel broken, He’s making me whole.
And I’m not done yet. Two more weeks until her birthday.
I can do this.
Because of Him.