Reasons to Grieve

People talk a lot about how there are different ways to grieve. Which is totally true!

But what I think is not talked about enough, is that there are so many reasons we grieve. And that we have a right and should grieve.

I posted a while ago about how Rory was a frozen embryo from when we had IVF with the twins.

Rory was a twin.

The first ultrasound her twin was there with a heartbeat. The second ultrasound the heartbeat was gone.

I remember thinking I didn’t have a right to be sad.

I still had a baby. That was growing.

I was already so busy. With Rory that made four kids, ages four and under.

I was already so blessed. I didn’t have a right to grieve this would have been baby.

But I did. It was just in quiet.

Until I received a call from my sisters-in-law, Rachel. She’d already had miscarriages. I, for sure, had no right to cry to her. Instead, she cried with me. She expressed her sorrow for me. She validated my grief and mourned with me.

I grieved the relationship that Rory would never experience. I grieved holding two babies in my arms.

So much of grief seems to stem from a missed future or loss of the future you previously imagined.

We grieve for divorce.

We grieve for kids that can’t quite get their acts together.

We grieve for illnesses.

We grieve changes in school and recreation.

We grieve changes in beliefs. For ourselves and others.

We grieve the loss of trust.

There are so many reasons.

And they all are worthy to allow yourselves and others time to mourn.

The First and the Last

At our church the children, ages 3-11, participate in program where they sing and speak for the congregation.

It’s easily one of the favorite Sundays all year long for a lot people.

This year it was harder.

It was our first without Rory.

Our last one for any of our kids. Dax turns 12 in January.

The children’s leaders were very thoughtful, knowing it would be emotional for us.

Each of the kids wore a purple ribbon. And they placed flowers where, what would have been, Rory’s class sat. In memory of her. For love of her. And us.

I loved watching Dax sing his best. His loudest. He enjoys singing.

They sang a song I didn’t know, He Lives and He Loves Me.


He lives and He loves me.

I will not forget who I am.

I will strive to remember His plan for me.

I will love.

I will serve in my time here on Earth.

And someday I will return to Him.

He will bless me and guide me.

He lives and He loves me.”

This song encompasses so much of my daily mantras.

He lives so Rory lives.

She’s happy.

God hasn’t forsaken you. He blesses you. He loves you. Keep going. People need you.

Love as Rory loved. She loved always and freely. Do the same.

Here is a link to the song:

The Rory from My Dream

Yesterday I posted a drawing made for our family on Facebook.

It was commissioned by my parent’s friends from a congregation they previously attended.

My dad sent me a picture of it in a text.

Tears sprang to my eyes.

That was the Rory from my dream the night before.

In the drawing she looks slightly older than when she was my Rory. The chin line, the posture, her fingers a little longer, she looks just a little more grown up.

This is exactly how she looked in my dream.

I miss her.

I love her.

God is good.

Here’s the website of the artist that was commissioned:

One More Angel in Heaven

After we moved across town, we attended a different congregation of our church. On that Sunday, the first people to introduce themselves was a cute older couple, Dick and Donna Pexton.

They were kind and welcoming.

It wasn’t long until we realized we had something in common. We’d both had a child pass away. Ours was fresh, theirs was 60 years ago. But it bonded us.

A few weeks ago they realized Donna’s cancer would not be cured. I had the opportunity to sit with them. Talk with them. Love them.

Last week, Lance and I had the opportunity to sit with them again. This was different. She was near the end.

There was such beauty, in a hard situation. I witnessed a daughter laying next to her mom, holding her hand, caring for her. I witnessed a loving husband, looking after his lifelong sweetheart.

I’m sure that situation didn’t change much until Donna passed away Sunday night.

My first thought was how happy that reunion must have been between Donna and her baby boy. He’s been waiting a long time to hold his mom again.

As I sat there with Dick and Donna that day, my spirit cried out to her spirit, “Give my girl a hug too. She gives really good ones.”

I hope Rory’s found Donna. She’s spunky too. They’d really get along.

Love you, Dick and Donna.

A Memory- Church Waves

I have quite a few things I loved about Rory at church.

Lance didn’t sit with us much. He served in leadership callings that required him to sit up front.

That meant I had four kids that would fight to sit on either side of me. But really the boys fought to sit on one side because Rory always got the other. She was my little buddy.

Rory would look up at Lance and wave and wave. I would put her hand down and the next second it would fly back up. That continued until Lance acknowledged and waved back. She was happy to see her dad up there.

She was happy.