One of my goals is to continue to have good times in our sorrow. I want the boys to feel like they’ve lived. I don’t want Lance and I to just get by for the rest of our lives.
I have mixed feelings with joy. But not in the way many think I do.
I don’t have guilt.
I have sadness.
Happiness isn’t what it once was.
Lance and I are on our way back from a Southern Caribbean cruise.
We love to travel! It fills our buckets.
We had many new and amazing experiences.
We zip lined for the first time.
We snorkeled with turtles.
We drove through rainforests.
But this time also felt different.
I felt the separation from the boys more acutely. I knew they were having tons of fun with my parents. But anxiety tugged at me more than it has in the past.
And there were a couple of times I’ve imagined Rory being there when I got home.
We took a similar trip last year.
She was there when we got back.
I know she’s not going to be. But it was a nice thought for a moment.
Anxiety with fun.
Grief with joy.
I think the rest of my life will be emotional contradictions.